New Girls' Network

Lipstick or chapstick – and why does it matter?

“I was routinely referred to as a ‘bimbo’ or a ‘bitch’ – too soft or too hard, and presumptuous, besides,” said Carly Fiorina of her stint as the CEO of Hewlett Packard. This double bind is common among professional women. Women judged as masculine (aggressive, assertive, and self-assured) may be respected but not liked. Women judged as feminine (sensitive, agreeable, and community-oriented) may be judged as low on competence, and liked but not respected.

• Violet is a popular employee at an advertising agency. She gets along with her co-workers and always brings in cupcakes for their birthdays. But year after year, she’s denied a promotion (just one more year) because of doubts about her leadership ability.
• Wenjie has trouble getting a word in edgewise during conference calls. Her friend Eduardo suggests that she just interrupt – that’s what works for him. But when she tries his strategy, her boss tells her she needs to work on her social skills.
• Ruth has been assigned to serve on a time-intensive committee for three years in a row. It does important work, but no one values what she does. She asks to be assigned to a committee with more visibility, but she doesn’t get the assignment, and on her next review she’s criticized for not being a team player.

If you’re “too feminine”

• Just say no:

  Stop saying yes to assignments or requests that take up your time without advancing your career. To avoid not seeming like a team player, try offering alternative ways for an assignment to get done – suggesting that a more junior employee take notes at a meeting, say, or proposing a rotation for who makes the coffee.

• Make the job work for you:

  Even work that’s not traditionally high-status can help you get ahead. When you take on an assignment, ask yourself the following questions: Am I getting credit for this time? Am I making any useful connections? Do I have an adequate budget? If the answer to any of these questions is no, think again before adding on to your responsibilities.

• Stop apologizing:

  Women may say things like “I’m sorry” even when they haven’t done anything wrong. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re sorry – but it can send the message, albeit inadvertently, that you’re in the wrong even when you don’t think you are. Don’t apologize unless you actually mean it.

• Harness your ladypower:

  Many traits stereotyped as feminine can provides people with a huge leg up in the relationship-intensive worlds of law, business, and politics. Emotional intelligence, communication skills, and even letting yourself be vulnerable can be important tools for success. Just don’t let that get in the way of your effectiveness as a leader.

If you’re “too masculine”

• Stand your ground, with softeners:

  Women may face backlash for “masculine” things like asking for raises or volunteering an idea at a big meeting. Softeners – smiling, expressing modesty, or even wearing makeup – can go a long way towards fending off a negative reaction, if they’re properly balanced with confidence and assertiveness.

• Laugh it off:

  Humor is a great way to send sensitive messages to sexist or clueless colleagues – and show at the same time that you’re not, well, humorless. And, just like picturing your audience in their underwear makes them seem less intimidating when you’re giving a presentation (or so the old piece of advice goes), having a sense of humor can help you maintain your equanimity in the face of things that seem infuriating or unfair.

• Manage your anger:

  Angry women can trigger stereotypes of high-powered females as ball-breakers, or alternately, as hormonal nutcases. Avoid stereotypes by showing your anger deliberately and making sure it’s clear that you’re controlling your emotions – and not the other way around.

Strategies that work for everyone

• Let the facts speak for themselves:

  Advertise your achievements without coming off like an egotist. Try “guerilla stealth:” bring up accomplishments in the context of helping someone else (“This strategy worked great for me”) or talk about your team’s successes as a group rather than yours as an individual.

• Round up a posse:

  It can be much harder to talk up others than it is to talk up yourself. Find a group of people who can bring up your accomplishments for you, whether you’re there or not – and do the same for them!